Mummy, cleaner, cook, washer-woman, play supervisor, craft co-ordinator, PritStick police, referee, personal shopper, negotiator, chauffeur, biscuit dispenser.
1. Managing Workload
Mummy is able to manage a number of tasks consecutively, including changing the batteries in the toy hoovers, disposing of a stinky nappy and asking Google what a toddler appropriate word for snot is. This is a key skill set in the role and we are pleased to see that the extensive on the job boot camp we’ve provided has proved effective.
A distinct lack of enthusiasm for certain tasks has been noted. These include cleaning Weetabix off the floor, reading The Smartest Giant in Town for the 17 billionth time and anything involving us using felt-tips. We’d like to see improvement in this area with enthusiasm for more than just wine at 7pm.
3. Communication with Colleagues
Co-workers should be able to express their thoughts and feelings in an appropriate manner. Sitting down in a puddle and then complaining that your bottom wet is a perfectly acceptable method of communicating one’s disinterest in walking home from the park.
If you’re 2. Not 32, Mummy.
4. Internet Usage
We have received a number of internal complaints concerning excessive Pinterest use. Daddy would like it noted that learning how to make a giant coloured garden ice pebble rock won’t make us grow up to be more rounded human beings and being able to make a handled basket from streaky bacon isn’t essential reading.
Whilst conducting our research, we’ve noticed a number of dishonest activities from you. These include hiding the remote controls and telling us that there are no more biscuits in the tin. Also, to make you aware, we know about you secretly eating Nutella from the jar with your head in the cupboard.
Mummy’s reading skills and silly voices are second to none (apart from Daddy obviously), but sometimes she does forget to read certain pages of books, almost as if trying to finish them more quickly. We suggest that in future she works on being more careful to not miss a single page. With immediate effect, missed pages will result in us not going to bed.
7. Listening and Responsiveness
Disappointingly we sometimes have to say the same word 3 or 4 or even 25,000 times before Mummy appears to hear us. It’s a waste of resources for all of us when a tantrum of epic proportions is required to get us what we want. Perhaps Mummy should work on her active listening skills and in the interests of increasing productivity, we should be given everything we want, when we want it (this includes jelly for breakfast and carving knives to play with).
Overall we are extremely impressed by your progress from well-groomed, punctual, party girl to frazzled, blundering Mummy in such a short space of time. Keep up the good work.