As you continue to pretend you don’t understand my demands and this matter is now pressing, I thought I’d formalise our communication.
I love you dearly (as demonstrated by my need to eat, drink and hide anything of yours) but seriously, when it comes to fashion, YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS.
Let’s get some things straight.
1. I must have my hair clip installed in the exact position I want it in the moment I wake up. If it’s not the hairclip I want, woe betide you Mummy.
2. Some days I will want my brother to wear some of my hair clips and some days I will scream until I’m sick if he tries to wear one. Please try and keep up.
3. I DO NOT WEAR TIGHTS. Try to put them on me and you’ll be sorry. Seriously, when was the last time you wore bloody stripy pink tights? I thought not.
4. Exception to the above is putting tights on my head. Obviously.
5. I only wear jeans. Please stop insulting me with that old “HONESTLY, all of your jeans are in a wash, please give me a sodding break and wear leggings”.
6. Primark? Next? Seriously Mummy. You’ve got a long way to go in the shopping stakes. You’re either feeding the evil-fashion-industry-cheap-labour-machine or turning me into a middle-aged-boxing-day-sale-addict.
7. All clothes must have a bunny on. Or zips. Or a cape, a big long cape.
8. It is my basic human right to remove my brother’s socks, put them on myself, whilst shouting “pull Georgie COCK” loudly. In Aldi.
8. I WILL wear my blue fleece with pink stars on every day. Why oh why can you not grasp this? I know you’ve tried to buy duplicates and fool me. The truth will always out Mummy, you know that.
9. Shoe options are; I wear yours, Daddy’s or the pink wellies, on the wrong feet.
10. I can now undo poppers. You’re f*cked.
Your Daughter (Aged 1 and 23 months) x